Fool Proof
by Original
Summary: Voldemort has the perfect plan to bring down the ministry. Story includes muggle obsessions and crazy rats, as well as some good old fashion Malfoy bashing. COMPLETE
1. The Plan

**AN:** Okay, so I wrote this during English a few months ago and have been showing it to my friends as proof of my insanity since. If you think I own Harry Potter, then I would be glad to except your pre-order of Half-Blood Prince. Cash only please.

**Fool Proof**

"Wormtongue, get in here! This meeting between us is at your request."

The Dark Lord must be in an unusually good mood today, otherwise he would already be torturing his unfortunately tardy servant. Wormtail slowly edged into the room in a twitching, frightened manner.

"Um…a-are you…my m-m-most exhalt-ted m-m-master…talking t-to th-this unworn-worthy one?"

Elegantly lifting one eyebrow, Voldemort sneered down at the sniveling rat. "And who else would I be talking to, Wormtongue?"

Wormtail looked like an especially pathetic specimen of humanity, standing in front of his master twitching.

"W-well, My Lord…y-you keep c-calling me…um…Wormtongue…and the other D-D-Death Eaters w-wanted…erm…"

"Gandalf's Beard, I do NOT have time for this! Say your piece _now!_ I have just reached the battle of Helmsdeep on the Two Towers DVD and wish to see who wins the bet between the dwarf and the elf – personally I am betting on Legolas. Orlando Bloom looks good in tights, he reminds me of Lucius." If anything, the Dark Lords monologue seemed to make Wormtail twitchier.

"The D-D-Death Eaters t-t-think you are…and why d-do you call me…um, Worm_tongue_?"

The Dark Lord liked incredulous as he said, "Saruman, the evil wizard, has a minion like you. He betrayed his king and his people, but Wormtongue had some semblance of a backbone. I thought that it would encourage you to strive for greatness in my ranks to call you by the name of one you should aspire to imitate."

Wormtail started sweating when he realized what his Lord was saying. After all, Peter Pettigrew had read J.R.R. Tolkien's _The Lord of the Rings_ with his friends in Seventh year. He knew the ending.

"The Death Eaters think you are spending too much time immersing yourself in Muggle products! They think that the Muggle entertainment will corrupt your immorals!"

Voldemort cocked his head to the side as he observed Wormtail.

"You know Wormtongue, you did not stutter once in your little speech. I do believe that you new name shall continue to inspire you to greater heights as it has in your speech patterns. But do not worry about my new Muggle fetish – I mean, obsession. Through my research, I have found a fool proof plot to bring down the Ministry and that meddling fool at last!"

"R-really! How?"

Voldemort slowly reached under his sinister throne (made entirely from the bones of his numerous victims) and took out a closed basket, like one you would take on a picnic.

"In here, I hold the secret to conquering both the Wizarding and the Muggle Worlds alike!"

With a dramatic hand gesture, Voldemort flipped open the lid and a sound emerged. A sound so terrible that it sent a cold tremor through Wormtail's entire skeletal structure.

"Meow."

A fluffy, little calico kitten poked her heat out of the basket and licked Voldemort's nearest hand.

"A kitten? A tiny, fluffy, cute, little, harmless, calico _kitty! _THAT IS IT? THAT IS YOUR SECRET WEAPON? WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE! NO WONDER HARRY POTTER ALWAYS WINS!"

Wormtail finally cracked. He was so…so… so _whatever_ that he forgot to stutter and started running around in circles while yelling at Lord Voldemort, of all people.

With a snap of the fingers, Voldemort's favorite Death Eater apperated in front of him. "Get Wormtongue under control, Malibu Barbie. I have yet to finish explaining to him my dastardly plan."

With a sigh, Lucius "Malibu Barbie" Malfoy removed one of his trademark elbow length gloves and slapped Wormtail across the face. His job done, Malibu disapperated back to where ever he had come from.

With a level stare, the most feared wizard alive continued explaining his evil plan to take over the Ministry with the help of his brand new box of kitties.

"We shall train them! Hone their natural ferocity and preditary instincts! They will become my elite soldiers, won't you my Preciousssss?" This last part Voldemort crooned to the little calico busy batting at his hand.

"Oh, and Wormtongue?"

"Yes, m-my Liege?"

"_Crucio._"

**AN:** Okay, so even though this seems like the end of the story, it isn't. I have an even shorter little thing to go on the end and will upload it this weekend. THEN this will be complete and we can discuss my sanity, or lack thereof, and why no one noticesit.


	2. Wormtongue's Plot

**AN:** Yay! I got reviews! Only two so far, but I love them! Once again, don't own Harry Potter and a special thanks to those that took the time to push that lovely little review button!

Goddess of Twlight: I once wrote a story about a hybrid race of squicoon's that took over the world with their massed armies of squirrels and racoons. Maybe next time I'll have fuzzy little woodland creatures too.

Dragon: Good luck. I've spent 17 years trying to convince people I'm crazy. When I heard music that didn't exist my parents just thought I was creative...I accept curses with a smile on my face and joy in my heart, because they come in the form of _reviews!_

* * *

**Two Weeks Later**

"WORMTONGUE! GET IN HERE, _NOW!"_

Wormtail hurried to his masters side, shaking in fear. "Y-y-y-yes, m-m-my L-lord?"

A book was thrown at his feet.

"Do you know what this is, Wormtongue?" Voldemort's voice appeared to be calm and silky but with an undertone of malice as he circled his follower.

"_T-T-The R-Return of-of t-the K-King_, m-my Lord."

"Very good, Wormtongue. Now tell me, _how does Saruman die?"_

Wormtail practically shrunk before Voldemort's towering fury. "He-he gets… um…stabbed in the-the b-b-back, m-my L-lord."

"By who, exactly? Frodo? Sam, perhaps? Or maybe Elrond?" Red eyes flashed in the flickering torch light

"B-by Wor-worm-t-tongue, m-my L-l-lord."

"So you understand. My actions now are merely to protect myself from such acts of treachery."

"Milord! Please! Let me ex–"

"Release the cats!"

_finite_

**AN:** Yes, well...maybe now the healers will believe Dragon...


End file.
